Leaked Pfizer Document Exposes Quirks and Neuroses of COVID Virus.
In its triumphant quest for a vaccine, Pfizer scientists learned many idiotic facts about the inner life of the COVID virus — including but not limited to, its personality, career goals and turn-ons. A Pfizer scientist, who requested anonymity due to a company policy forbidding the $2.8 million sale of top-secret, in-house documents, leaked a memo detailing critically trivial FAQs .
Q: Do COVID-19 viruses communicate with each other?
A: Yes. COVID-19 is one of the most outgoing of all pathogens, often arranging as many as 44 million social events per day. Conviviality is among the most treasured traits of the strain and hence, notably shy or reticent COVID viruses are often shunted off to restaurant patrons seated near the kitchen.
Q: Do COVID viruses have preferences for whom they infect?
A: Yes. Much like people, each COVID virus has a “type.” * Often, upon entering a lung that “just doesn’t do it for me,” a virus will cite a “prior commitment I can’t get out of” as a reason to exit a vascular system, thus leaving its host with little more than a runny nose. With a median life expectancy of 41 hours, if a COVID virus fails to meet “the one” by lunch, it will become “desperate” and “old,” and sometimes go so far as to lower its number of “deal killers.”**
Q: Is the COVID virus family-oriented?
A: No. Curiously, a typical COVID virus has no immediate family but does have a large extended family with whom there is inevitable bickering. These families gather once a year on Antibody of Christ Day, a solemn assembly known to quickly devolve from “Long time, no see” to physical skirmishes, often leading to death and/or severely sprained cilia. In the latter case, when faced with a the “emergency contact” section of medical form, an injured virus will spitefully avoid acknowledging family members by entering a fictitious name such as Phlegm Abernathy or Anna Nuclearwintour.***
Q: Does the COVID virus have a conscience?
A: Yes. Microbe psychologists found that the COVID virus will express remorse for shameful actions up to, but not including, infecting people. One subject of the study (“Steve”) first boasted of infecting a meat packing plant “in some fly-over state.” But when told his actions resulted in the cancellation of several thousand family barbeques, “the subject presented with indications of profound guilt, most evidenced by sagging posture (“slumping”) and monotone affect (“boredom”) while stating, ‘Oh, that’s a drag” and ‘Hey, can you turn up the AC?’”****
Q: Would a COVID virus mingle with an Ebola virus?
A: Not if it can help it. Corona and Ebola viruses have a strained history dating back to the Warsaw Biohazard Expo of 2002 where each side claimed world-wide infection rights. The conflict nearly reached a breaking point when renown peace activist Alfred Strep arranged a sidebar meeting at a five-star Petri dish in Krakow. After nearly four seconds of heated negotiations, they cobbled together a non-compete agreement, with Ebola calling “dibs” on Africa while Corona secured exclusive infection rights to North America and a first-look deal with Aruba.
Q: If I clap my hands, what are the chances of squishing a COVID virus?
A: Slim. Most COVIDs are intensely private, thus finding applause “off-putting.”**** An ovation, especially the standing kind, compels the humble COVID to mumble “Uh, thanks” and slink away to the nearest filthy surface. However, some more assertive strains of COVID react violently to such phrases as, “Put your hands together for…” and “Let’s give it up for…” ****** Upon hearing these phrases, they attack the speaker’s mouth, an instinct that caused an August 2020 super-spreader outbreak at an Evangelical Comedy Club in Tulsa.*******
*A Confederacy of COVIDs, Ethel Kennedy Toole, p. 52
** Ibid, pp 479–521
***Coming of Age in Corona, Margaret Sneezegard, p. 117
****A Brief History of Total Bummers, James Dolan, p. 12
*****Pandemic: A Golden Age for People with Halitosis, B. Woke Flimsy, p. 232
****** Idem.
******* Stricken audience members received a two percent refund on the cover charge.
